I've been going through an emotional rough spot lately. I've been thinking about a lot of things, wondering if things would have been better - or worse - if I had made different decisions. It can be dangerous territory , but everybody does it, right? I just had one that I've not thought about - ever - until now.
Cue Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days"...
I used to play baseball - until I wrecked my arm. One of my favorite pitchers was - and still is - Roger Clemens. In the 80's, Roger had his shoulder scoped and the procedure literally saved his career. I had developed a shoulder problem and thought my condition was similar. I went to a sports doc to evaluate whether or not to have the surgery. Since I still wanted to play, the doc encouraged it. Things didn't go quite right with the procedure and I was through with baseball just a few months later.
I've got 3 game balls at my desk - in my "feel good" corner - from 3 of the best baseball games I pitched during high school.
One is from my junior year. We beat Palmer HS 12-3 on April 25, 1986 on our own field. I had 11 strikeouts in a 7-inning game against the 6th-ranked team in the Texas in 2A. My old little league coach suggested to our coach that I get the game ball after the game. The two coaches agreed and gave me the ball. I had dominated the same team a few weeks earlier in a error-plagued loss.
One little tidbit from my baseball career - I had to get a lot of strikeouts every time out. If anybody hit the ball, I was in trouble - as was indicated by my win-loss record. I didn't know how to calculate my Earned Run Average (ERA) in those days, but I suspect it was very low. I don't think there was a game in which we failed to have an error in the 3 years I pitched. It's a pretty sad thing when a pitcher can't count on the players around him to make plays, as was the case with me and my team mates. To any of those guys that might be reading - if you're offended, you shouldn't be.
The other two balls are from my senior year.
One of those is from an 8-7 victory of our local rival, Mabank HS - at their place, in a game where I hit my first-ever home run in regulation ball. Mabank won our district title that year and went to the playoffs. Our team was the last to beat them in regular-season play (they were eliminated in the first round anyway). I had 12 strikeouts in 7 innings in that game. I had to convince the coach to let me pitch that game. I had pitched in a losing cause just days before and it wasn't my turn in the rotation. I just felt like we would win and begged him to let me go. After I got mobbed by my teammates when I walked off the mound at the end of the game, coach gave me a hug and told me I had proved him wrong. That was a great day.
The other is from my last HS game. It was against Forney HS on May 18, 1987 (19 years ago yesterday) at our home field. We played them just 3 weeks before this game and and I carried a no-hitter into the 4th or 5th inning before the errors took over. We also got into a full two-team scuffle after the game's last pitch and, on the way off campus, the other team threw rocks at our bus. When they showed up at our place, people were everywhere hoping we'd scuffle again. In the end, there was no need for a scuffle. I had 13 strikeouts that day and beat them 4-1. It would have been a shutout, had it not been for 3 errors that allowed the only runner that I allowed past 2nd base to score that day. The write up in the local newspaper described the performance as being overpowering. Forney also went to the playoffs that year and didn't get past the first round.
I'm writing all this stuff because I reminded myself what sort of gift I had as a teenager. I started pitching during the summer after 6th grade. My dad propped up an old tire against an old shed in our back yard for me to use as a strike zone. I practiced my pitches on that target until the wall behind it fell apart. When I entered high school, I tried out as an outfielder, because I didn't think I could make it as a pitcher. I was later converted to a catcher and made all district that season.
Toward the end of my freshman season, our baseball program began a 26-game losing streak that spanned 3 seasons. Our coach was looking for any and every way to break our skid early on. One day during batting practice, I asked if I could pitch. This coach - a different coach than the one's during my junior and senior season (we went through 3 coaches in 3 years) - didn't believe I could pitch. After batting practice, he scheduled me to pitch during an upcoming tournament. I didn't win in the tournament, but as an underclassman, I impressed both our coach and opposing coaches. For the rest of the season, I split time catching behind the plate and pitching in front of it.
I was selected to all-district and all-county teams throughout my 4-year HS baseball career and participated in 2 professional tryouts. Still, I was not signed to play college ball after high school. It was probably a good thing. The arm was virtually gone by then. Perhaps proper rehab could have helped what ailed me. I don't know. I later walked on at Evangel College in Springfield, MO and made the football team as a place-kicker. I spent two years there before returning to Texas. I grew up a lot during my time at EC. I also thought after I arrived back in Texas that I could make a comeback in baseball. Sadly it wasn't to be.
I say all of this because I remembered - just a few minutes ago - a phone call I received during my senior year of high school. It was from the head coach of the LeTourneau College (now University) wanting to talk baseball. I didn't get it then, but man, do I get it now. The guy was trying to recruit me. He talked about the school, what my future plans were and if I would consider LeTourneau after high school. For whatever reason, that I can't remember now, I turned him down - cold. He even called back again a few weeks later. I turned him down again. I was waiting on another phone call that would not come. Now that I think about it, I can't believe how short-sighted I was.I have no idea how LeTourneau's scholarship system was set up or what they would have been able to offer. What would've happened if I told the coach "yes, I'd like to talk about baseball and LeTourneau"? I guess it really doesn't matter anymore.
There are quite a few times that I've thought how nice it would be to pay a younger version of myself a visit at one of those crucial points in time and tell that goofball to make a different decision - like when Biff goes back in Back to the Future II to tell himself to use the sports history magazine to help him get rich. It probably wouldn't mean I would be rich or would even be playing professional baseball. But I wouldn't be wondering "what if" either.
That 18 year-old version of myself sure was a dumb kid. I should know.
4 comments:
Sounds like you had a lot of fun in HS playing baseball.
Doesn't seem productive to beat yourself up about the LeTourneau decision. You did what you thought was right at the time. If you don't think it was the right decision, then IMO, you should identify what flaws occurred in your decision making process and try to correct those so they don't happen in your present life. For example, perhaps decide never to close down an option before the other option you are hoping for becomes a reality. But living in regret about the past is for the birds. The present and future is what it is about. The past is instructive.
-Random Person
I did enjoy HS baseball. And, that is absolutely right - I can't beat myself up about it. I guess the thing that was so poignant about the whole thing was the fact I thought about it in the first place. I've had a rough time emotionally over the past 6 months to a year and it seems that past decisions - or indecisions have been glaring. I remember the quote "you are the sum of your decisions." Right now, that is a paralyzing thought.
Seems to me when I've been at the lowest points in my life (I'm not saying you are, just an observation of myself) I've tended to overthink everything. My thought-life was my worst enemy. Then I found out I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (I'm not saying you do). That helped me at least identify the battle, and why I was battling so hard with my thoughts. Overthinking everything, going over my past missteps and perceived offenses of friends and family with a fine tooth comb, tring to make up for it all. It was a miserable existence, let me tell you. Its gotten better over the 10 years since I learned about OCD and read a few resources, found out why I was behaving the way I was and some ways to deal with it. Again, I'm not saying you have OCD, but perhaps you might be making yourself miserable by allowing yourself to think too hard about things.
I also heard a friend say one time: "What you do is better than what you say. Who you are is better than what you do." So past decisions may have been unwise perhaps, but that doesn't define us as a person.
-Random Person
Yes, that is true - I often over-think especially when I get depressed. Sometimes things don't go the way we'd like them to. Sometimes it's hard to get past what was a bad decision - regardless of what experience and growth it brings with it. In my case, I've bottled up everything for a long time and it seems to be oozing out from everywhere. I've been told I should consult with a psychiatrist or a counselor for some of the stuff I've been dealing with lately. I'm currently working on doing that. Look for updates to this blog for how that chapter plays out.
-j
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