Here's a bit of information about myself...
I must be an optomist because I'm always looking forward to, or hoping, for a turning point in my life. I know I've had them: times in my life when everything changed, one way or another.
Just a few...James Sprayberry coming to Malakoff High School as band director. Until he arrived, I planned to get out of band after the 8th grade year. James Sprayberry's death was also a turning point. Had he lived, I would likely have been a band geek from that point forward. The decision about where to go to college was a turning point. Deciding against going to LeTourneau and going to Evangel instead was huge. Then, the choice to go to Southwestern. I digress...
One thing I often prayed for as a young man was for a "spiritual" turning point. I was looking for a distinctive place where I knew that God intervened and everything was changed for the better. There have been quite a few of these in my life. Not very many in the past several years. Still, I've hoped for them though they have been hard to come by as of late.
I've written here - quite often over the past few months - that I've been in a rough spot. It's hard to put in words, but it's been like walking through a thick fog or a smoke screen of sorts. Perhaps this is the mid-life crisis that I've been told awaits every man at some point in the years between his 30's and 50's. I don't know. I've been coming to grips with the fact that things didn't go the way I would have liked and I've had to "make- do."
At this point it seems really pathetic as I re-read that previous sentence. Everyone has to do it - at some point. Realize that I'm not going to be a millionaire. That the city won't name the street where my parents still live - in my childhood hometown - after me. That a lot of those dreams about life, ministry, or whatever were little more than dreams or misconceptions about how things work. So, what am I supposed to do now? Such is the question that I've been faced with when I get up to make my hour-long commute from the outskirts to uptown Houston. Is this all there is? Will this be what I do for the rest of my life?
I think I've felt very justified in being in touch with these feelings. Afterall, it's taken quite a while to be able to verbalize what's been going on for what has been a long time. So as pathetic as it is - there's a point to it, to grieve for what hasn't been realized and what should be let go of and ultimately be given to God. That is where I've been. Enter the turning point.
Tonight, we had a guest speaker at our month-end evening service. Her name was Ms. Choi. She's a house -church leader/planter from China. She's been imprisoned 4 separate times because of her faith. She's also founded an orphanage and is responsible for the birth of hundreds more house-churches in China and literally thousands - perhaps millions - of believers throughout China and other parts of the world. During her imprisonment, she received unbelievable punishment at the hands of her captors. Yet, through it all her faith was strengthened and became more inspirational to the people around her. Her life is one of being given lemons and in turn planting an orchard. To explain her and her testimony could only fall short with mere words. The woman, who is only slight in stature, is truly a spiritual giant in the Kingdom of God.
As I heard her talk, I felt as if God was speaking to my own struggles with my place and role within my community and church. Honestly it seems that everything is being stripped away in one way or another. It's as if I've sort of entered a prison of sorts - without the bars. This isn't the work of a person, or a group of people, to put me in my place. It can only be the work of God Almighty.
Paul talks about the the work of a potter and then absurdity of the clay telling the potter how to go about forming it. Quite often, that is what we do. "God I want this or that." Or "don't make me do this or that." We envision ourselves doing all these great things for God and His Kingdom but we fail to realize He has plans for us because we fight Him at every turning point. This is where I've been lately. It's hard to go to church and participate because I'm no longer doing what I was formerly accustomed to. Dare I say that I know better than God? I say I don't, but my actions speak otherwise.
Ms. Choi said she had to stand for hours at a time while in a crowded cell in China. She could sit, stand or kneel, but could not recline or lie down. Such was the mistreatment of her captors. What did she do, how did she respond? She asked for strength from God. When she thought she was to be executed, she made peace with death. When she was not killed, she prayed for deliverance - which eventually came. Her life, in-turn, became an inspiration to millions while she did exactly what she could - she lived out her life.
It probably doesn't sound that awe inspiring. Just looking at a lady, who probably isn't more than 5' 2", who read her testimony to the church. She doesn't look like the type who would start hundreds of underground churches, but that is her legacy. Perhaps the word for me is to focus my energies on where I already am. She was in prison. I'm locked into a 1-hour+ commute and a high-rise office. Her last stay in prison was over 10 months. I've been where I am about the same amount of time. She didn't speculate on why she was there, but sought to make an impact where she was. Can I make an impact in my world? That's the question - at this point in time. "God, what would you have me to do?" I don't need to know the significance of what I'm doing right now. I just need to keep doing it I guess.
As we closed out the service, our pastor asked Ms. Choi to pray over our church. For almost 4 minutes, the lady fervently spoke to the Eternal God with a fervency I've not seen in quite some time. She spoke in her native tongue, which at times sounded like some of the syllables I've heard uttered by those who "spoke in tongues" in the church meetings I grew up in. She was praying for us and honestly, it felt that she had a connection with the Almighty that all of us present could only wish we had. I'm curious to know what she said about us and what she asked God to do. Then again, I might not need to know. I'm sure it will be revealed in time.
As for this being a turning point, I sure hope it is. I sure need one.
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