I'm up, way before I'd like to be. Here lately, I've had trouble sleeping - for various reasons. Yesterday, Wednesday morning, I was awake around 2 AM. My mother was scheduled for surgery. She's almost 77 and I was a little nervous about the "minor" procedure that was going to be done on her. Nothing is minor for a 77 year-old. I didn't find out until almost 8 AM yesterday that this "minor" procedure wasn't minor at all. The very same lady, who can't seem to keep a secret when it counts, kept our entire family in the dark for nearly 5 months about a serious medical condition. My own father didn't know what was going on until Monday. I guess it was good that I didn't know until yesterday or I would have been waking up early - for weeks on end by now. At least I know she is in good hands. When I left her yesterday, my sister was there with her. She was resting comfortably. Dad was with my brother-in-law. Our family will be going back this weekend to make sure she's alright upon her return home.
I've been meaning to write some more for several weeks now but have been too busy to get back here to it. Since writing the first part of this thread, I've found myself in quite a dilemma. A month ago, I was on path of self-discovery and it seemed everything was clicking on all cylinders. I had read Wild at Heart and had been genuinely challenged to seek out the things that gave me passion in life again. Even more-so, I heard from several friends from years gone by and had really been encouraged. I saw pictures of myself from a time when I had been very passionate about everything in my life. I don't believe in coincidences and thought that all of this was coming together for a reason. John Eldridge, the author of Wild at Heart, also talked about receiving the "wound" that causes us to retreat from our passions. I had defined the wound and I thought I was on my way to my passionate rediscovery. Things were SO looking up!
Somewhere in there I must have missed something. Where I was so hopeful and optimistic just days ago, I've been discouraged and frustrated since. In the cosmic scheme of things, that guy, the one that had been so passionate and determined in years past - the one I was trying to rediscover - made a lot of choices along the way.
Some of those choices were good ones - like starting a family. I still pinch myself sometimes when I spend time with the 4 most important people to me. They are good, intelligent people that offer me so much encouragement and strength. I really don't know where I'd be without them.
The decision to come to Houston 8 years ago was another good decision. It wasn't my idea really and I originally balked at it. It was a new start for us and, now, 8 years removed, it seems like one of the most important decisions that we got right.
We made other good decisions, too. For some reason though, it just seems that the bad ones weigh awfully heavy on those good ones. The weight of the bad decisions - even those from 8, 10 and nearly 15 years ago - still seem to have bearing on the decisions we're making now. Maybe that's just how it works, but it's getting really old now.
I've talked about this at length with my wife and with my friend Raymond. It seems to me that with every moment of clarity, a stinging blow to the head or to the gut is just waiting around the corner. What was so clear just days before is swallowed up in dense fog. Is this the lingering consequence from mistakes from long ago? Is it just how life is? I wonder if somewhere along the way if I've done something to have pissed God off.
It's hard to talk about things like this with most people. Generally, folks want to be helpful and encouraging. If I hear one more person say "you're right where God wants you," I'm afraid my first reaction would be to punch them square on the jaw. I do think God is at work - somehow. It's not anything special that tells me so. It's the result of all the theology classes I've had over the course of my life. I'm not content with my book knowledge of Him however. I'm still hoping for one of those "burning bush" moments, where I have that life-altering encounter, though I wonder if it will ever come.
So, to get back to the original thought that started this thread, what are the right questions to be asking? I suppose the biggie is "what is it that God wants from me?". That would be first, to which the answer would be "everything." The second would be this "how do I give him 'everything'?" That answer is a bit more complicated.
I'm sure there will be more thoughts to follow on this topic. .
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