Stepping Out From the Shadow

I've been pretty introspective lately. I'd like to turn this subject into a song. I posted it on my My Space Music site. I've copied it here in case anybody wants to stay away from My Space altogether.

I've aluded in other blog entries that my wife and I are experiencing an epiphany of sorts. The channels of communication are wide-open. We've talked about things that have lurked under the surface of our lives for years on end. I've also chronicled what it's been like. It's been the most amazing thing I've ever seen - period.

In the course of these late night talks, we brought up something that has been a pretty big piece of baggage for us throughout our married life. I'm writing about it now because it really has been a source of much frustration and pain for us. I won't go into it specifically because of the personal nature that is involved. Suffice it to say it was a decision to do what I thought was the right thing to do at the time, but it was a decision made at a time of vulnerability. I felt I had no friends that I could turn to, or so I thought. Despite evidence to the contrary, I was told at the time "this is for the best." You'll look back on this one day and see it as a good thing." Yeah, whatever.

That decision has loomed like an enormous shadow over our lives, our relationship to each other and others and now, our family. It has overshadowed every subsequent decision that we've made since that day. It's as if we've been haunted by it. If only I had talked to someone else. If only I could have known that I could have talked to somebody else. Regret hangs like a stinking carcass in a meat locker. It sure would be nice to rip the thing down and throw it in a trash bin someplace or better yet, bury it!

Somewhere along the way though, something changed, hence the epiphany. Instead of being hounded by the shadow, I discovered that I can step out from under it. The shadow is full of other people's expectations. All the predictions that people made about our success. All of that unreached potential - which can be a horrifying thing to look at face to face - can be left behind, just by walking out of the shadow and into the light. I'm not saying that the shadow will ever go away. It will probably stay just where it is. The fact is I don't have to stay in it or under it. I can walk away and I don't have to look back.

So, I guess we're "walking on sunshine" or in it anyway. It's kinda weird to look at the new scenery. It's a little frightening because it's really new, challenging and inviting. Is it for real? It most definitely is.