Blarg...

It's difficult to put some feelings into words. Maybe because I'm a guy. As guys, we're not supposed to be in touch with ourselves in that way (by saying "we're," I mean guys, in general) that we discuss how we feel about something or other. We deal in actions, what we're supposed to do. So, when dealing with, let's say "changes" in the world and how a part of the world relates to us, or me, in particular, and if things aren't going so well, or in a way we expected, it can be alarming. (I'm being vague on purpose, to protect the confused.)

There comes a point when things change and all of a sudden all the cards are out of your hands. (Those things didn't just change, by the way. The "all of a sudden" had been in the works for a while.) Or, you discover that the things you are or were responsible for are things you can't really control anymore (*hint - you never were in control of them. Period.) Take your pick. Powerlessness is a palpable feeling and I am in touch with that one for sure this morning.

That said, I know I've been fortunate, so far in my life. Things have never been what I would call "easy" in my life. But, a quick comparison with any number of people within my immediate circle would show it hasn't been very bad at all. I certainly didn't do everything right or know exactly what to do at any given point along the way. There was a confidence I felt that grew out of a trust that had been established. That trust made me feel secure and to feel like everything was going to turn out like I wanted it to turn out. Nothing led me to see or feel anything else to the contrary - until I discovered things had changed at a more fundamental level around me. Upon making that discovery, I felt the earth below me shift and I've been walking close to walls and reaching for hand rails since, much like a person who survives an earthquake might do. So now, what do I do? What can I do?

Powerlessness. It reminds me that the only thing I can control is me. That realization is palpable and as real as everything around me.