Autopilot

It's a strange thing to get a few minutes to think these days.

It probably looks weird to read something like that. It was a lot harder to put that sentence together and it still may not make a lot of sense. Then, again it may.

Things in my life have been in a state of perpetual motion for well over a year now. I know, I don't have any less time than anyone else does. It takes a LOT of work to schedule and plan so that one gets the most out of every moment of every day. Some people are able to do that better than others. Some, not so much. I fall into the latter category.

Without trying to sound like I'm on a pity party, I've sort of been reeling since Dad passed in 2011. I tried to keep up with writing over the year since he died, but things seemed to get in the way A LOT. I know how it works though. My responsibilities start with caring for my family. Much of that centers around taking care of work. Those responsibilities don't always give time to sort out the feelings of losing someone, which seem linger long after the work of taking care of that sort of business is completed. At the oddest of times, I find myself missing my dad. These days it comes when I feel I need to talk to somebody, but I don't necessarily want to talk to this or that person. I would prefer him, but he's not there. It took long enough to get to that point, in terms of trust, to talk to him about my stuff. It seem with all the madness going on around me, it seems like too much work to search out someone else. But, it's just what I need to do.

In a very strange sort of way, a year later I find myself feeling much like I did a year ago. (It's that sort of feeling that has kept me from keeping a journal. What's the point of writing "I feel like crap again today?") I'm looking to a long break at Thanksgiving to give me some much needed respite from the stresses that have accumulated since the last vacation. As much as I need that (and believe me, I do. I CRAVE it!), it's not a good thing. It means, up until now, I've been on autopilot - just mailing it in. I know it's bad for me, but it's much worse for those closest to me who have to deal with me every day.

But, I must say that I'm preparing to make some changes going into the new year. I won't get into all of that now, but I see the mess that I'm in and I have an escape route planned.

I've used the four-letter word "P-L-A-N." That's probably the first big step to turn off autopilot and keep it off.