Everyone who grew up with Star Wars as part of their childhood has heard these words and knew what Darth Vader meant when he said them. "The Circle is Now Complete..." As an 8 or 10 year old kid, I cringed the first time I heard those words. Of course we know what happened next, too: Darth Vader killed Ben Obi-wan Kenobi. Or did he?
Anyway, I've been pondering the meaning of those words and how they relate to my life up until now. Those, who know me fairly well, know that I've suffered several setbacks during my adult life. Whether they were my fault or at the hand of someone else, the affects of these events have had far reaching "consequences and repercussions," to quote one of my favorite movies, "Life." Actually, when bad things happen, it's very easy to blame everyone and everything remotely involved for inflicting hurt on you. I'm sure others have dealt with this sort of thing. Only until recently I've been able to see just to what extent I've done this to myself.
I wrote in this blog previously about my Walk to Emmaus. I didn't go into a lot of depth about my experiences there. One of the bigger happenings that took place there was when I admitted, before God and everybody, that I had been harboring bitterness in my heart. I was bitter about things that had been done to me over the years. Bitter about things that just happened that put me on the short end of the proverbial stick. Bitter because i had been purposely wronged by people who I had previously trusted. I've told others about what happened afterwards, though I've not written it here. It was an incredible, eye-opening experience.
This all happened at a point in the retreat called "Dying Moments" when the Emmaus Pilgrims give things to God. Typically they're hurtful and damaging things. And for me, that thing was bitterness. When I knelt at the cross in the chapel, I felt like I had a ton of lead strapped to my shoulders. When I stood to my feet, it was as if all that weight had been completely lifted off of me. Literally, it was like the scene from Alien, early in the movie, where the guy has one of those things to latch onto his face and stick that sucker thing down his throat. I know, disgusting stuff. But, when I stood to my feet, whatever that thing was - it was no longer there. It was if I was breathing for myself again, seeing the sunshine and tasting the air as if for the first time.
I didn't know it then, but that event was just a beginning for even more dramatic events that would follow. Since my walk, I've apologized to and asked forgiveness of others for how I've responded to things that have happened between us over the years. Things have been happening again and again, too, allowing me to move past feelings of ill will and hurt to real wholeness. However, with everything that's been going on, I wasn't quite prepared for what happened earlier this week.
My wife has been planning to return to college and finish her bachelor's degree. She had been trying to get back in the University of Houston, but ran into one snag after another with her previous records with their institution. I suggested to her to consider returning to the school where we met, Southwestern Assemblies of God University. They have an extension education program and could likely be the fastest course to a degree available to her. She checked into it and sure enough, it was perfect. It was the last place she had attended and she could literally pick up where she left off many, many years ago. The only issue was the fact that we just didn't like the place anymore and didn't want anything to do with it.
My wife had to go up to the campus for an orientation session, even though she would not be attending classes on campus. We took off a couple of days and went up to Waxahachie dreading the whole thing. In the course of the orientation session, one of my favorite professors, who still teaches at the university, spoke to the group of new and returning students and invited us to join him on a Prayer Walk around the university campus. "For crying out loud" I thought to myself. "I don't want to look around this place." I went along, as moral support for my wife (BTW, you owe me BIG TIME!) and joined the group. We got to the first stop and the professor began talking about God ordaining the events of the orientation, who would be there, why they were there now - all that sort of stuff. He talked about how groups of people from churches all over the country have come to the campus since the mid-90's and would pray in that particular spot for prospective students and their decision to complete their education at SAGU. He said it wasn't an accident that we were there now. He said things about why it wasn't too late to start over and how the university was a tool that God wanted to use further His purposes for this stage of our lives.
All of a sudden, it hit me - in an overwhelming flood of thoughts and emotions. When I arrived on that campus, 18 1/2 years before that day, I came there with gigantic hopes and dreams. In the course of my time there, things happened and I made choices that determined my course there on campus and beyond. During those times, I didn't confide in anyone and made decisions that had far reaching affects. Faced with those consequences and repercussions, I chose to respond with resentment and anger. From that point forward, everything was seen through those lenses. I comforted myself with those feelings of resentment because people had hurt me. They were to blame and this university was a representative of each and every one of them - overriding the good things that happened all at the same time. Pretty sad, huh?
A lot of emotion was tied up in that place, whether I wanted to believe it or not. But, there, in a moment, I was reminded, as my favorite professor spoke, that despite my experiences, the institution was not to blame for what happened to us. It had been dedicated to fulfilling the Great Commission of Jesus and that was the reason that I and my wife were back there. There were and still are many good, Godly men and women who instruct young and old men and women alike as their service to God. As a result, many of our classmates - past and present - have gone on to be pastors, evangelists, missionaries, as well as businessmen and women, medical and psychological professionals and educators. We've been getting excited about possibly doing some sort of ministry thing again at some point, as God sees fit. We just didn't realize that the place that we had grown to despise would be the place that would and could serve as the launching pad for every hope and dream that continues to be renewed almost daily for each of us. The place that had so many bad memories for us had been a place of good memories before. Now, it could be a place of good memories again.
The circle is now complete, but I'm not looking to kill somebody, like Darth Vader did - or didn't exactly do. Instead now, we can get on with living out the rest of our lives to the Glory of God and leave the past in the past.
